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April 6th, 2009:

#10. Super Big Gulp

Super big gulp

Europeans love human rights campaigns, especially if those campaigns are somehow related to ending hunger. That is all well and good. Few things, after all, are more tragic than hunger.

But as any traveler who has been to Europe can confirm, Europeans completely ignore the logical companion of such programs: ending thirst.

I don’t mean to suggest that Europeans don’t care about providing drinking water in drought stricken nations. In fact, I’m quite sure that Europeans have more zeal than most when it comes to third-world well-drilling schemes.

No, what I am suggesting is that Europeans don’t care about ending thirst in their own back yard.

Europe is a land where the provision to tourists of even the most basic human need, water, is a for-profit scheme. Feeling parched after a long day of sightseeing? Get in line and pay 2 or 3 bucks for 12 oz of water. Even if you sit down at a restaurant, bottled, often carbonated, water is all that’s available – and you better not want ice with that.

But in America, you don’t have to worry about going thirsty. At restaurants, we’ve got free water and free refills, and for those who are both thirsty and on-the-go, we’ve invented the Super Big Gulp.

What is the Super Big Gulp? It is 64 oz of your favorite soft drink served in a cup-holder-ready plastic container and sold at a reasonable price.

So if you’re jacked up on trucker caffeine pills and planning on driving non-stop as far as your tank of gas will take you, never fear. For a buck or two, the great men and women of the 7-Eleven corporation will sell you enough of your favorite soft drink to ensure you don’t face the prospect of an empty cup for your entire journey (the prospect of a full bladder is another matter entirely).

But despite its clear utility, the Super Big Gulp has some detractors.

There are those that think the prospect of consuming 64 oz (630+ Calories) of one’s favorite soft drink is excessive or unhealthy. But they don’t understand that America is about freedom from want – and that includes freedom from wanting more to drink.

Besides, I doubt any of the naysayers have ever gone thirsty in a hostile environment like Europe.

God Bless America!

*For those who find the Super Big Gulp insufficient, 7-Eleven has developed the (2L) Double Gulp.

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